jimhines: (Default)
jimhines ([personal profile] jimhines) wrote2019-09-26 04:29 pm
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Four Weeks Into the New Normal

A collection of random thoughts and observations from the past four weeks…

  • We accumulate a lot of online accounts. I’ve been deleting most of my wife’s, mostly because I don’t want her personal information out there where it could be hacked or abused. Makes me realize how many places I’ve created logins for over the years…
  • I started writing a short story I’d been thinking about toward the end. It failed miserably. I think part of the problem was that I was thinking about the story when Amy was still alive. Everything now is so different … I can’t get into the right mindset.
  • So instead, I’ve started working on Terminal Peace again. Only a few days in so far, and the wordcount is pretty small, but it’s a start.
  • Amy had worked for a while at Community Mental Health, but when she checked her history, she didn’t think she had quite enough to be vested for her pension. She was so frustrated to have fallen just a few months short. But after talking to her employer and her retirement system, she had actually made it, which means her pension now comes to us. It’s not huge, but it’s a monthly check, and is one more way she’ll help take care of us for the rest of my life. I wish she’d known…
  • I do pretty well during the day, for the most part. I’ve got a lot to keep me busy, and that helps a lot. Nighttime is another matter. I’m still not sleeping well. I’m trying a few things to help, but I don’t expect this to really change for a while yet.
  • My son and I are both attending groups at Ele’s Place, for kids who’ve lost a parent (and for the surviving parent). Only two sessions so far, so it’s too soon to really say much, but I hope it’ll help us to deal with and work through the grief.
  • Finally tried to get back to karate this week, only to find class was cancelled. Dang it, I was really looking forward to punching stuff, too!
  • Being a full-time single parent is rough. But I promised Amy we’d be okay, and I’m damn well gonna do the best I can to keep that promise.
  • Looking at our financial situation, I may be able to work about half-time (20 hours/week) at the day job, which would give me time for everything I need to do at home and for my son, and maybe even a bit of writing time… Nothing’s finalized there yet, though.
  • It all still feels unreal. The idea that she’s gone, that the part of my life where we were married is over … it’s absurd. It’s not that I expect to hear her pulling into the garage after work or anything. It’s more like that Beverly Crusher quote from Star Trek: “If there’s nothing wrong with me, there must be something wrong with the universe.” I feel like something’s wrong with the universe.

Blogging hasn’t been much of a priority. I’ve had thoughts about stuff — renaming awards, fools filing DMCA notices on themselves, the good and bad of The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance — I’ve just been using my spoons for other things. Don’t know when or if that will change. But hey, I posted something today. That’s a start, right? One more step toward the new normalcy…

[personal profile] beth_bernobich 2019-09-26 08:37 pm (UTC)(link)
*hugs*
bigbumble: (Default)

Hang in there

[personal profile] bigbumble 2019-09-26 10:12 pm (UTC)(link)
We're all pulling for you. I'm glad Amy's pension came through and that you are doing what you can to take care of yourself. You've given gifts through your stories you'll never know about. All any of us can do is give the best of ourselves and hope things work out.
pameladean: (Default)

[personal profile] pameladean 2019-09-26 10:43 pm (UTC)(link)
There is definitely something wrong with the universe. I'm sorry that it bit you.

P.
swan_tower: (Default)

[personal profile] swan_tower 2019-09-26 11:40 pm (UTC)(link)
It's good to hear from you. Of course you don't owe us any kind of posting, but I'm glad to know you're hanging in there.
ckd: two white candles on a dark background (candles)

[personal profile] ckd 2019-09-27 12:45 am (UTC)(link)
All of this. Thinking of you and hoping you find comfort.
lassarina: Close-up of Fang from Final Fantasy XIII (Fang: Serious)

[personal profile] lassarina 2019-09-27 01:00 am (UTC)(link)
Thinking warm thoughts for you and your family.
reedrover: (Default)

[personal profile] reedrover 2019-09-27 12:02 pm (UTC)(link)
Be kind to yourself. Grief comes with blinding fatigue, among other things, and it will be hard to move. Don't be hard on yourself for it.
dantesspirit: (Default)

[personal profile] dantesspirit 2019-09-27 01:14 pm (UTC)(link)
Hugs if wanted.

Good to see you, however briefly.
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[personal profile] celli 2019-09-27 03:12 pm (UTC)(link)
<333333
thewayne: (Default)

[personal profile] thewayne 2019-09-27 03:23 pm (UTC)(link)
You have to find your own path to something resembling normalcy, and it sounds like you're getting there. The problem is that things are going to bite you on a regular basis and you'll feel like you're back to square 1. But you're not at square 1, you've actually progressed a bit beyond that point, and you'll continue to make progress.

It takes a long time. I've had two friends lose their wives in the last 4 years, one was very fortunate to find someone and remarry. But by no means has he fully recovered from the loss. And his anniversary is next week, and his new wife is out of the country until December, which is going to suck.
jcfiala: (Default)

Notes from someone who's been there...

[personal profile] jcfiala 2019-09-27 03:54 pm (UTC)(link)
Hi!

So I'm John, and my wife passed away last year, leaving me with my then 7 year old daughter. Some notes:

- Your son may be eligible to money from Social security - my daughter is. Look into that. It's not a ton, but some extra cash each month doesn't hurt.
- Spend some cash on a cleaning service. I've got one coming by every other week, and not having to worry about vacuuming and the like is a big help.
- I had trouble sleep at first as well. My daughter lent me a stuffed animal, which kind of helped, actually. I also would put on soft music to fall asleep to - there's a station or two of 'chill' music on youtube that was something to make it not be so quiet, but not so entrancing that I concentrated on the music. Of course, your milage will vary.

Feel free to pull in help when going through your wife's things. I had some friends come over for a couple weekends to help out with that... amusingly, we found a dirty blender that had been packed up as dirty when she moved from North Carolina to Denver and had stayed in boxes since then. Ugh! :)

Hang in there, it gets better. I know you don't know me from Adam, but feel free to reach out if you want to chat with someone who's been there. There's a fannish widows and widowers group on Facebook if you'd be interested in joining, too.
commodorified: the words Anglican Socialist Weirdo on a Green and Yellow abstract background (Anglican Socialist Weirdo)

[personal profile] commodorified 2019-09-29 01:45 am (UTC)(link)
When I lost my Mom I recall being shocked because I guess I expected more crying and less feeling like I had an anvil strapped to my back everywhere I went.

By which I guess I mean, there is absolutely something wrong with the universe and I am so very sorry.

If and when you want them, this is a remarkable series of essays about widowerhood that you might want to know about: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/series/widower-of-the-parish

And obviously if that's not what you want please pretend I never said anything. But I wanted to let you know about it.

I am, pick your preferred option, keeping you in my thoughts or in my prayers. Comes to the same thing mostly.
Edited 2019-09-29 01:46 (UTC)
laurenthemself: Rainbow rose with words 'love as thou wilt' below in white lettering (Default)

[personal profile] laurenthemself 2019-09-30 06:17 am (UTC)(link)
There's definitely something wrong with the universe.

It is good to hear from you. I am very pleased that you're writing again.