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Four Weeks Into the New Normal
A collection of random thoughts and observations from the past four weeks…
- We accumulate a lot of online accounts. I’ve been deleting most of my wife’s, mostly because I don’t want her personal information out there where it could be hacked or abused. Makes me realize how many places I’ve created logins for over the years…
- I started writing a short story I’d been thinking about toward the end. It failed miserably. I think part of the problem was that I was thinking about the story when Amy was still alive. Everything now is so different … I can’t get into the right mindset.
- So instead, I’ve started working on Terminal Peace again. Only a few days in so far, and the wordcount is pretty small, but it’s a start.
- Amy had worked for a while at Community Mental Health, but when she checked her history, she didn’t think she had quite enough to be vested for her pension. She was so frustrated to have fallen just a few months short. But after talking to her employer and her retirement system, she had actually made it, which means her pension now comes to us. It’s not huge, but it’s a monthly check, and is one more way she’ll help take care of us for the rest of my life. I wish she’d known…
- I do pretty well during the day, for the most part. I’ve got a lot to keep me busy, and that helps a lot. Nighttime is another matter. I’m still not sleeping well. I’m trying a few things to help, but I don’t expect this to really change for a while yet.
- My son and I are both attending groups at Ele’s Place, for kids who’ve lost a parent (and for the surviving parent). Only two sessions so far, so it’s too soon to really say much, but I hope it’ll help us to deal with and work through the grief.
- Finally tried to get back to karate this week, only to find class was cancelled. Dang it, I was really looking forward to punching stuff, too!
- Being a full-time single parent is rough. But I promised Amy we’d be okay, and I’m damn well gonna do the best I can to keep that promise.
- Looking at our financial situation, I may be able to work about half-time (20 hours/week) at the day job, which would give me time for everything I need to do at home and for my son, and maybe even a bit of writing time… Nothing’s finalized there yet, though.
- It all still feels unreal. The idea that she’s gone, that the part of my life where we were married is over … it’s absurd. It’s not that I expect to hear her pulling into the garage after work or anything. It’s more like that Beverly Crusher quote from Star Trek: “If there’s nothing wrong with me, there must be something wrong with the universe.” I feel like something’s wrong with the universe.
Blogging hasn’t been much of a priority. I’ve had thoughts about stuff — renaming awards, fools filing DMCA notices on themselves, the good and bad of The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance — I’ve just been using my spoons for other things. Don’t know when or if that will change. But hey, I posted something today. That’s a start, right? One more step toward the new normalcy…
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Hang in there
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P.
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Good to see you, however briefly.
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It takes a long time. I've had two friends lose their wives in the last 4 years, one was very fortunate to find someone and remarry. But by no means has he fully recovered from the loss. And his anniversary is next week, and his new wife is out of the country until December, which is going to suck.
Notes from someone who's been there...
So I'm John, and my wife passed away last year, leaving me with my then 7 year old daughter. Some notes:
- Your son may be eligible to money from Social security - my daughter is. Look into that. It's not a ton, but some extra cash each month doesn't hurt.
- Spend some cash on a cleaning service. I've got one coming by every other week, and not having to worry about vacuuming and the like is a big help.
- I had trouble sleep at first as well. My daughter lent me a stuffed animal, which kind of helped, actually. I also would put on soft music to fall asleep to - there's a station or two of 'chill' music on youtube that was something to make it not be so quiet, but not so entrancing that I concentrated on the music. Of course, your milage will vary.
Feel free to pull in help when going through your wife's things. I had some friends come over for a couple weekends to help out with that... amusingly, we found a dirty blender that had been packed up as dirty when she moved from North Carolina to Denver and had stayed in boxes since then. Ugh! :)
Hang in there, it gets better. I know you don't know me from Adam, but feel free to reach out if you want to chat with someone who's been there. There's a fannish widows and widowers group on Facebook if you'd be interested in joining, too.
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By which I guess I mean, there is absolutely something wrong with the universe and I am so very sorry.
If and when you want them, this is a remarkable series of essays about widowerhood that you might want to know about: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/series/widower-of-the-parish
And obviously if that's not what you want please pretend I never said anything. But I wanted to let you know about it.
I am, pick your preferred option, keeping you in my thoughts or in my prayers. Comes to the same thing mostly.
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It is good to hear from you. I am very pleased that you're writing again.